Osama Bin Hidin’ has released another audio tape, more than a year after his last communication, ending speculation of his gruesome, bloody death and immediate entry into the depths of hell, screaming in unimaginable agony as the sulphur fills his nostrils, choking off his breath, and the flames char his despicable hide. Well, my speculation, anyway. But I digress.
An intelligence official tells CBS News correspondent Peter Maer “there is a high level of confidence” that the voice on the tape is bin Laden. The assessment follows a technical analysis at the CIA. The CIA, NSA and FBI are going over the substance of the comments at the National Counterterror Center.
While we’re waiting on the CIA, NSA, and FBI to go over those comments, let me take a stab at it myself. I’m a counselor by training, I should be able to read between the lines. Bin Dickhead starts off:
My message to you is about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and the way to end it.
Give up and hide in a cave, that’s how I ended it, may Allah be praised.
I had not intended to speak to you about this issue, because, for us, this issue is already decided: diamonds cut diamonds.
I hadn’t intended to speak to you because I thought surely I would be dead by now, may Allah be praised. I don’t tend to make plans for too far into the future for this very reason, may Allah never mind.
Praise be to God, our conditions are always improving, becoming better, while yours are the opposite.
I recently upgraded to a bigger cave with running water. A little stream flows through it. The stream gets bigger when it rains. In the meantime, you have to contend with the stock market of the Great Satan recently breaking 11,000, may Allah be praised.
However, what prompted me to speak are the repeated fallacies of your President Bush in his comment on the outcome of US opinion polls, which indicated that the overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of the forces from Iraq, but he objected to this desire and said that the withdrawal of troops would send the wrong message to the enemy.
If you withdraw, we promise to withdraw, too. I give my word. Cross my heart, and hope to die never mind, may Allah be praised.
Bush said: It is better to fight them on their ground than they fighting us on our ground.
In my response to these fallacies, I say: The war in Iraq is raging and operations in Afghanistan are on the rise in our favour, praise be to God.
Despite the fact that the best we can do is a few IEDs. We don’t even have the personnel to mount a decent battle which we would gloriously win, may Allah be praised.
The Pentagon figures indicate the rise in the number of your dead and wounded, let alone the huge material losses.
Despite the fact that you have lost fewer personnel in conquering two countries than you have in any previous comparable conflict. Your time in Iraq is coming to an end, thanks to the continued pilfering of your materials, especially the foot fungal medicine and extra-large toe clippers by those loyal to Allah into the very camps of the Great Satan, may Allah be praised.
To go back to where I started, I say that the results of the poll satisfy sane people and that Bush’s objection to them is false.
Reality testifies that the war against America and its allies has not remained confined to Iraq, as he claims.
In fact, he recently visited it upon a boys-night-out by some of my closest lieutenants in Pakistan, may Allah be praised.
In fact, Iraq has become a point of attraction and recruitment of qualified resources.
I cannot believe the idiots willing to blow themselves up in the misguided belief that they will get 72 virgins on entering Paradise. What do the fools think they’ll do with them with their little dinkles blown to pieces? May Allah be praised.
On the other hand, the mujahideen, praise be to God, have managed to breach all the security measures adopted by the unjust nations of the coalition time and again.
The evidence for this are the bombings you have seen in the capitals of the most important European countries of this aggressive coalition.
One in London, one in Spain. See, we’re unstoppable, and you will tremble at our feet, may Allah be praised.
As for the delay in carrying out similar operations in America, this was not due to the failure to breach your security measures.
Rather, it is due to the failure of myself to be able to meet with my most senior lieutenants since you keep killing them all, may Allah be praised!
Operations are in preparation and you will see them on your own ground once the preparations are finished, God willing.
But based on all the setbacks we’ve had lately, I’m beginning to think that Allah isn’t willing, and that he has branded us the inept losers that we really are, may Allah be praised.
Based on the above, we see that Bush’s argument is false.
However, the argument that he avoided, which is the substance of the results of opinion polls on withdrawing the troops, is that it is better not to fight the Muslims on their land and for them not to fight us on our land.
Because, as the world knows, we will not destroy your forces by tens or hundreds each week as past enemies have done for you, but rather we will prolong your agony by destroying you five or ten each week, may Allah be praised.
We do not object to a long-term truce with you on the basis of fair conditions that we respect.
Please don’t kill me, oh please, please, please <whimper>, may Allah be praised.
We are a nation to which God has disallowed treachery and lying.
Despite the treachery and lies in this audio tape, may Allah be praised.
In this truce, both parties will enjoy security and stability and we will build Iraq and Afghanistan which were destroyed by the war.
While we laugh at your foolishness and plot your overall destruction — this time on your land, may Allah be praised.
There is no defect in this solution other than preventing the flow of hundreds of billions to the influential people and war merchants in America, who supported Bush’s election campaign with billions of dollars.
Hey, W, I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but how would I tap into that kind of green? May Allah be praised.
Others in the blogosphere reporting on this development:
Euphoric Reality cops an attitude on terrorists in general
The Counterterrorism Blog identifies 6 messages in the tape
Publius Rendezvous discusses liberal political shenanigans
Real Teen thinks that Bin Laden is trying to cause political infighting
Stop the ACLU weighs in with their analysis
TD
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